14 FEB 2017
Can I call you Vlad? I’m the President now, so I guess I can call you Vlad. It’s a great name by the way, everyone loves it.
So Vlad, you’re doing a great job with Russia. I mean you know, with what’s going on there. Rebuilding the image of Russia, and rebuilding Russia. Period. Great job. Everyone thinks so.
I know you have big plans for Russia Vlad. I mean, you know what pesky neighbours are like right? You want to edge out your neighbours so you can dominate oil and gas supplies to all of Europe. That’s smart. I respect that. Obama didn’t have the balls to stop it, but really great job. Have you considered building a wall? We’re doing it. It’s going to be great. The oil and gas can flow right through it, right through it, and the Mexicans will pay for it – the wall, the oil, the gas, everything. They’ll pay for it all.
People have speculated you know Vlad that we’ll become best friends. I mean, to be honest with you Vlad, I was a little disappointed you didn’t come to the Miss Universe Pageant I held in Moscow in 2013. That was an opportunity, a great opportunity and I’m upset you didn’t take that opportunity. It really was the best missed opportunity.
But I think we will become great friends Vlad because people don’t know what it’s like to be us. You’ve done a really great job of outsmarting America – me too. I did that. Outsmarted them all completely. It was easy, like so easy, anyone could do it.
And we both know regular people Vlad, they just don’t face the same challenges we do. I mean Presidents still have obligations to their families don’t they? I have a big family Vlad, 1 wife, 2 ex-wives, 5 children. My family business is so successful, the most successful ever. But regular people just don’t get it. My daughter Ivanka, such a great person, always pushing me to do the right thing – treated so unfairly by companies such as Nordstrom. Do you have Nordstrom in Russia Vlad? They’re the worst. Everyone knows it. You don’t need them anyway Vlad. I can get Ivanka to talk to your people and she’ll give you a great deal on stocking her lines. The best deal ever. Your people will love it. They really will.
So as fellow Presidents we’re going to get along just fine. I just know it. You and I will be solid Vlad. It’ll be great. The best thing about us Vlad, is that we were on 60 minutes together. Bosom buddies. BFFs. Stablemates. Those ratings Vlad – the best. The best ratings ever. People loved it. I mean when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything .. Grab them by the p***sy… you can do anything.
I was humbled to hear one of my aides read a memo to me that said you’d called me a talented person – ‘The absolute leader of the Presidential Race.’ So humbled. I knew as a stablemate I could depend on you because you’re so highly respected in Russia and beyond. It makes me feel like Russia and the United States should be able to work well with each other towards defeating terrorism and restoring world peace, not to mention trade and all of the benefits derived from mutual respect. Because I have a lot of respect for you Vlad. I really do. No one has more respect for you than me.
I know even though we were on 60 minutes together that one time, we have no relationship. No relationship what so ever. And you still called me a genius who is going to be leader of the world or something. Well you were right Vlad. You were right all along and I am the leader of the world now. Can you believe people think it’s all some fake story? Can you believe it? I can. There are so many fake stories about me that are based in fact I don’t know what to believe anymore. It’s perfect.
So Vlad, you’ve been very nice to me. We’ve never met, done one 60 minutes show together with the highest ratings, but I think we can go and knock out ISIS together. Maybe with some other people, but we’ll do it. We’ll do it and we’ll obliterate them from the face of the earth. Wouldn’t that be a great thing Vlad? It would be the greatest. It really would.
I have to say it Vlad, hacking the Democratic Party was brilliant. I know it wasn’t you Vlad. I know. I just know but it was brilliant wasn’t it! I keep telling our intelligence chiefs to get on with their lives. I think that computers have complicated lives very greatly. The age of computers has made it where nobody knows exactly what’s going on. I’ve told my people to stop the investigation into Russian election interference. It’s just not necessary. You know that Vlad. We both know it. Totally. Unnecessary.
It was great to talk to you on the phone last month Vlad. Best phone call of my Presidency so far. Much better than my call with Prime Minister Trumble from Australia and his dumb immigration deal.
I’ve got to go Vlad, Abe from Japan has been golfing with me this weekend. Taking swing for diplomacy my people are calling it. Whatever. I’m not even allowed to bill him for the green fees. Where is the profit in diplomacy Vlad?
From your best friend
The 45th President of the United States
Donald J Trump
Best President Ever.
We both know it. Everyone knows it.
Pissing off the world, but making America Great Again.
The above letter is a satirical piece based on the actual quotes Donald Trump has made about Vladmir Putin.
Satire 100% my own.
This is a fake news free zone.
All the news, is totally legit. All of it. Everyone knows it.
Image credit to the James Bond movie poster artwork “From Russia, with Love.”
Photoshopping 100% my own.